• Whitley N. Green

A Little Insecure...?

“Maybe it really smells? Maybe it’s dry as h*ll? Broken P*$$y!

- Issa Rae

Don’t judge me, but I recently begin watching Issa Rae’s hit series, Insecure. I have officially completed Season 1, and I have to admit that this show is worth all the hype it receives. The characters are dynamic, yet eerily relatable.

If you’re anything like me, then you too are a Showtheranostician- a person who specializes in making diagnoses and offering probable solutions to tv characters as it relates to their personal relationship problems.

I think its human nature to be able to see the problems of people outside of ourselves and to also know exactly how to solve them. Yet seeing our own flaws within other people is less attractive and takes a bit more humility, a road that few of us are willing to transgress.

Blame It On My Broken P*$$y!

Issa: “It’s like I just want him to know what he did to get us here”

Molly: “Alright, well have you told Lawrence what your issues are with him? Like really spelled it out? Because sometimes when you’re really in it it’s hard to see shit clearly.”

Issa: “No, but why do I have to be the one to see shit clearly? I mean, I love him, but it’s hard to carry the emotional way and the financial way- like those are heavy as f*ck.”

Molly: “You sure it’s all on him? I mean, it does take two to make it or break it....”

Issa: “B*tch, you eating tacos with him or me!?”

Molly: “You right! You right! Because you can do no wrong.”

If you haven’t watched the first season of Insecure, this conversation between Issa and best friend Molly (episode 3), happens in the midst of her frustrating struggle to be honest with 5 year, roommate boyfriend, Lawerence, about his waning ambition. She breaks up with him (almost), runs away from home for 2 days, and returns just to act as though everything is fine. All the while, passive aggressive sarcasm, dry humor, and dejection plague the reality of their awkward passing interactions.

What You Don’t Confront, Will Confront You!

Avoidance is to success, what an empty tank is to a car- going absolutely nowhere but to the side of the road. By now, you may be asking yourself, “What does this have to do with boundaries?” Everything!

You can only enforce what you first identify, admit, and accept that you want and need, which is a huge fear for many women. Like Issa, many of can intuitively feel when there is more to be had or conquered. It’s like a 5AM alarm goes off awakening our sensing to the reality that we’ve outgrown where we are and are no longer satisfied. Many of us cut it off or keep pressing snooze until one day becomes 5 weeks...5 months... next thing we know 5 years later, we are further in and deeper down, yet still unsatisfied and asking the same questions.

We fear feeling the pain of change so we avoid. We fear admitting and facing our mistakes so we defend and ignore. We fear the possibility of starting over so we stay against are better judgement. We fear the change that comes with success so we stay small and silent. We give more than we really want or have the capacity to give in hopes that it will, it should, we hope, that it works itself out. We numb the pain of our own indecision with unhealthy habits and more poor decision making.

When the problem finally comes to the surface its rarely direct and often leads us and everyone involved into confusion. Why? Because we haven’t really taken the time to identify, admit, accept, then clarify what it is that we really want. We avoid having the audacity to believe that we can have it.

Nature vs. Nurture

Throughout season 1, it was revealed that Lawerence (Issa’s Man) was out of work for 2 years after pursuing a business venture that didn’t work out. Issa knew in the first couple of months that his joblessness bothered her, yet she silenced her needs to be supportive of his. She ignored her joy -meter.

This goes back to a woman understanding her nature. It’s a woman’s primal need to feel secure- that is emotionally and physically, which inherently includes finances. It’s not in a woman’s best interest to carry the weight of security when it relates to a romantic relationship with a masculine man (more on this in the coming weeks). In the conversation between Molly and Issa, she reveals with exhausted irritation, that role reversal had become her fate. Molly passively pressed for Issa to see how she had played a starring role in the reality she now complains about.

Issa defends and avoids...

If you’re a fan of the show you know the fate, (at least from season 1), of Issa’s relationship. You witnessed the choices that were made because of the choices that were not made. If you are a late bloomer like me, no worries, as this is an ideal transition into next weeks’s exploration of Warning Sign #2 You Feel Unseen, Unheard, Often Misunderstood (Sometimes Undermined or Unappreciated).

Until Sunday, I invite you to explore some of the below questions. I don’t believe in right or wrong answers, but I do promote best practices, understanding that what is best for one woman may not be best for next depending on her goals, current and future desires, and overall willingness and readiness to make the necessary changes to reach them.

  1. Given the background history, do you think Lawerence should have known that Issa was unhappy and should he have understood Issa’s dissatisfaction with him and the relationship without her saying anything? Why?

  2. What do you think about Molly’s presumption toward Issa? Why?

  3. Can you identify the boundarie(s), if any, that Issa may have ignored, allowed to be crossed, or feared to enforce?

  4. If Issa did play a role in the state of her current relationship, what role did she play?

  5. Why do you think Issa avoided being straightforward with Lawerence? What else was she avoiding? Why do you think that?

  6. Is there a time that you avoided something and as a result faced worst consequences later on?

  7. Is there an area currently where your joy meter is low and you are avoiding addressing it? What is it? What is holding you back?

Remember that this blog is intended to put your life back into your own hands- the best possible place it can be. I’m not here to give you answers nor like Inyanla, Fix Your Life, that’s each individual woman’s responsibility. I am doing this work along side of you and it is my intention to simply offer experiences & questions that I hope will bring you to a deeper level of self awareness. From there, the choice is yours.

“The life you want is on the other side of the awareness you accept & the decision you make as a result”

Check back every Wednesday & Sunday of this month as we explore the limits that will set you free= BOUNDARIES!

Follow me @WhitWhitHurray on Instagram to keep up with blog postings and #WonderingWhitleyWednesday 7:30PM, CST.

Peace. Love. & Soul- Glow Grease.

#DANCEForYou #WonderingWhitley #Boundaries

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