Ode to love’s painful past...I mean future...?
Does the silent aching fear of being cheated on ever go away? Sometimes I like to think I am stronger than I am. That somehow I am immune to what some may consider a simple insecurity, but the more I reflect and go deeper into my own inner world, this is a bruise that at times still stings, even when no one has touched it.
Writing has been the sugar to deliver the bitter medicine initiating me to examine the roots of some of my hidden behaviors. What is it that makes me fear vulnerability? The thing that keeps me from allowing closeness with any individual. This is not exclusive to romantic partners, as I have witnessed this pattern show up within my friendships as well. People who’s loyalty and support have been stamped approved -of their capacity to be trusted, still few have been given permission to penetrate the deepest layer of my inner world.
...apart of me, I’m still getting to know.
I’ve wanted to say more than I verbalized in the moment. I wanted to cry, allowing myself to fall apart in someone’s arms. I swallowed questions that I felt may be too intimate or intrusive.
Was that vulnerability trying to flow through me?
It feels like my heart is softening, spreading wide like the dough of grandma’s fresh butter biscuits in the oven. Like a breath of fresh air, it expands my hearts vessels, my chest warms with intensity.
It feels dangerous and unsafe- that if I gave into the wave coming in, I’d be a fresh target for shaming, ridicule, or criticism. It feels like I would be misunderstood or taken advantage of.
It feels like a throbbing sensation, slow and steady- my breath deepens. Different from anxiety, my mind is not racing and I don’t feel worried, I’m present and can’t get my mind off of what is brewing within me, my body knows.
It speaks, “ I want to be seen, let me out.” More times then not, I keep her hidden. I keep me hidden.
I fear making the same mistakes from my past when it comes to love. When I think of trusting someone with my heart, it literally scares me and I want to run in the other direction just thinking about. Ironically, I still desire real love and intimacy.
I want someone who sees me and cares for me and who’s intentions are good toward me. I wantsomeone who thinks genuinely about me and not just what they can get from or out of me. I wantsomeone who wants to protect and add to my energy, not someone who benefits from it- consuming in order to refuel their tank for someone else. I want someone who wants me beyond using me as a balm to sooth a bruised and rejected ego. I want a real friend who is doing the work to recognize their own pain and yet still draw near to love.
I’m not sure if the fear of being cheated on can be healed on my own. I think it may have to be treated in partnership, given the original offense happened in partnership...that make sense?
Does this mean I have to extend trust? The same trust I extended before, that was taken advantage of?
Or is it the same?
Nah...it’s different this time. I am different this time.
I am wiser and much more awake to my ability to discern and choose. I am much more confident in expressing and maintaining the values that I hold for myself. I understand my nature more than I ever have, giving me the confidence to trust my myself in a way I didn’t do in the past. I use to question every decision I made.
I would speak up, then when faced with a result that disrupted my peace, I would retreat in fear, ultimately backing down from I wanted...
...second guessing rather I was right or justified.
I am not her anymore. Though I may still nurse this silent aching fear of being left behind, abandoned, cheated out real love...I trust myself to extend my heart- knowing that I am now, who I have never been before.
The risk seems greater than the possibility of familiar pain. No further evidence is needed.
“The life you want is on the other side of the awareness you accept & the decision you make as a result”
#WonderingWhitleyWednesday will be dedicated to sharing a glimpse into my most inner thoughts raw-unfiltered and unedited (except for grammar). Heart to mind. Mind to heart. Pen to paper. Fingers to keys. Upload. Publish. RUN!
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Peace. Love. & Soul- Glow Grease.