Look in the Mirror, Molly.
Do You Want Love or Do You Want to Be Right?
I think we all have a little Molly in us, more than we’d like to admit. What I mean is that Molly (Insecure Season 4 Episode 9) has a pattern (so eloquently pointed out by Dr.Rhonda, her therapist, and boyfriend Andrew) that she tends to put a wall up and jump to defenses when she feels justified or wronged. She can also be unforgiving and relentless in her perspective. In and of itself this is not bad, its a protective mechanism usually learned when we are younger when we do not know how to fully process our own emotions or have the language to bring forth the truth of our inner experience. Often times we never felt safe sharing how we really feel; risked getting in trouble; being abandoned; or being criticized for being “sensitive.” This creates a challenge as we grow into adults because it frightens us to say “it hurt me when” or “I was disappointed by,” and God forbid we admit that we were wrong or overreacted. This is not to excuse the behavior, but if we don’t have a point of reference to draw from that proves we will survive the perceived deathly heartache sure to ensue after we expose ourselves, we run to what is available-what we know best, the safety of hidden or numb emotions or the easily accessible emotions listed below.
Anger is easy. Distrust is easy. Defensiveness is easy. Avoidance, blame and criticism are all easily accessible. These emotions create visceral experiences; they enliven and justify the narrative we‘ve attached ourselves to and keep us resistant to any other perspective outside of our own. We rarely ever take the time to explore the root of our initial frustration in order to communicate before it becomes an explosive scene and things are said in a context that leaves feelings hurt and ultimately burns bridges in relationships that could have offered greater possibilities.
Look In the Mirror Molly. You’re Bleeding on Me.
I’ve experienced this flaw personally in my own character of “feeling a way” about something a friend did, said or didn’t do, yet I held it in. I would think “well, they know what they did!” Or “I’ll let them call me and then I might bring it up” (we witnessed this behavior with Molly and her expectation of Issa). We try to play along like normal but how we really feel cannot be hidden. The other person begins to respond in kind to the awkward energy but also isn’t compelled to address it because, well it’s awkward and to be honest sometimes other people just don’t know how to go about it and aren’t sure if they are the ones tripping. They decide not to make something out of nothing if it really ain’t nothing at all..that make sense?
Anyway, the offended person (me) gets even more annoyed during every interaction if this person doesn’t address what is going on when the reality is that I have not taken the responsibility to address it myself. It’s like we try to hold people accountable for an offense they don’t know they made against us because we haven’t spoken up about it. Why? Because then we would have to be vulnerable and risk being seen for who we truly are. We would have to admit that we care and we are afraid of losing the relationship or being abandoned. We are inevitably exposing our hearts for possible heartbreak or unwavering acceptance. That’s honesty for that a**!
In essence, I am making the point that while Molly can be quite annoying, passive aggressive, indignant, and downright impossible to please, it is hard for me to overlook the way in which these qualities show up within myself no matter how subtle. And let us not act as though Issa has been the ideal friend and made no contribution to the demise of the relationship (but that is another blog). I can personally identify with characteristics of both women and if you are real with yourself you may be intrigued to find your “Molly ways” too.
June is #SpeakTFUp month. This one has been another month of solid reflection and a personal exploration of what this means and looks like in real time. I have to say the timing for this theme is impeccable given the current climate but all the more interesting to dive into as it relates to loving ourselves more deeply and revealing the women we truly are at our feminine core.
“The life you want is on the other side of the awareness you accept & the decision you make as a result.”
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Peace. Love. & Soul- Glow Grease.
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