You Said You Are the Plug, Right?
Humans are complex dynamic beings who have the potential to embody unique perspectives and create original insights. But let’s be real here, when it comes to our biological nature and basic needs, nothing is new under the sun.
If you’re like me and grew up in the church being told that you must have faith and believe that you already have a thing before it shows up, then you likely understand the dilemma this engrained belief has the potential to cause as it relates to navigating our relationships. I’m not at all saying that this timeless principle holds no validity, but I do think it must be critically analyzed and applied with wisdom, or it will become the blind fold that keeps us gullible and naive to the reality we experience at the hands of other people.
As women we are wired for unconditional love, the ability to nurture life, and to see the best in people who can’t see it in themselves. These innate instincts were establish within us to be able to cultivate positive self esteem in our young who then grow up to be mentally and emotionally healthy and stable contributors to society- continuing the cycle of life. This part of our nature helps to cultivate a harmonic and productive work and home environment with ease; it is wildly influential; and contains alchemical (transformative) capabilities not understood by man. This is the reason our (feminine) energy is known to be the most powerful and mysterious among all living beings. Unfortunately, what people do not understand, they seek to control.
When we don’t understand the basic mechanics and true power of our nature (energy), we can easily allow ourselves to become the convenient comfort blanket to people who no longer deserve our support or allow ourselves to be manipulated to use our energy in self destructive ways.
The Law of Conservation of Energy
En•er•gy | noun| is the strength and vitality required for sustained physical or mental activity.
The sprinter that rigorously trains for the 50 meter dash is likely not equipped to conquer a 2mile long distance race. The 100 meter dash sprinter will meet their maker if they decided to run the 300 meter hurdles without proper preparation. Why? Because the speed, muscle recruitment, and endurance that it takes to run a straight short distance with no obstacles, differs greatly from what is needed to complete 8 continuous laps with no breaks, and even greater to overcome the addition of 3ft contraptions in record time.
Track athletes are skilled at training their bodies to reach maximum performance capacity while in motion by learning to conserve their energy for where it is most useful. This is the Law of Conservation of Energy in practice. The law states that energy can not be created nor destroyed only transformed from one form to another. This means that a system (in this case the athletes body) always has the same amount of energy unless it’s added from the outside (distance, hurdles, track curves, weather etc). They understand that in order to secure a chance at winning, they must distribute their energy in a way that supports their bodies ability to finish as strong( if not with more aggression) than they started. They must also be able to sustain their energy to effectively respond to the given distance or any other challenges that will present themselves within the race.
The Valley of O.P.P
Now I’m going to go out on a limb here and attempt to apply this scientific law to the dynamic of our relationships.
Con•ser•va•tion | noun| is the prevention of wasteful use of a resource (in this case our own energy). Conservation as it relates to the law of physics is a principle by which the total value of (our own energy) remains constant in a system (our mind, body, spirit) that is not subject to external influence (other people’s problems, perspectives, & points of views).
In everyday girl terms; “they on some other sh*t and I don’t have time for that!”
The reality is, we cannot avoid interacting and in some way(s) being influenced by other people, places, and things that we invited into our experience or are just a happenstance of everyday existence. However, we are responsible for the way in which we respond to them and the degree in which we allow those external influences to affect our lives.
When I was a grad student in New York, my mentor asked me to sub her class for week while she was out town. I of course said yes, because I love teaching and wanted more experience honing my craft. I respect her and she is very well known in the dance education field, so I thought it was an honor and privilege that she asked me out of all people that she had access to. In short, I expected to do the job for free. To my surprise she set it up to where the school would compensate me for my time. When I received the check, I cried in disbelief because it was the most money I had ever received for my services in such a short amount of time. I was accustomed to exchanging at minimum, two weeks of my time just to receive a third of the pay that I was holding in my hand at the moment after only giving 3 (2 hour days) of labor. It was this experience that began to disrupt the old belief that I have to work long and hard for quality pay. The truth is, I didn’t see much value in what I had to offer and I still saw myself as just a student who didn't deserve that much. I accepted any work that would pay enough where I didn’t feel cheated. But, in actuality I was still cheating myself.
Often because of our imaginative womanly nature, we put up with more than we should, secretly hoping for the best. We wish that things will go back to how they use to be and hang on to how we believe they should be. We fear disappointing people. We fear failure. We are afraid of what other people will think about what we are doing and who we are becoming. And we fear being alone with our decisions if it turns out we are wrong. We allow people to lie to our faces and we force ourselves to believe their lies despite our gut screaming the truth we refuse to confront. We allow people to pay us less than we are worth while we watch in frustration someone with less talent and experience pass us by, all because we didn’t have the courage to open our mouths and be seen. We take the first offer on the table that “sounds about right” because we fear another opportunity will not come with an offer we really want. We won’t admit to what we really want because we’ve never seen it, felt it, taste or touched it, so we quietly, begrudgingly, sometimes resentfully, accept that this is just the way things are.
The change doesn’t happen over night, as I still find myself struggling to ask for what I really want and then trusting that I can have just that. I’m reminded of my lack of trust by the way I feel after the dust settles from my fearful decision or failure to make a decision at all.
The truth is, everything or being in our life is a direct reflection of our inner reality. The information, lifestyles, and people we consistently expose ourselves to either reinforce old beliefs or help to create new modes of operation. We have to protect our minds and experiences at all cost. I now seek fervently for examples that will help strengthen my belief in the direction of the life and things I want. I look for these courageous examples in the women I surround myself with.
I found strength watching my friend negotiate full time work with double the salary after being offered subpar pay with no benefits. I found strength in a family member owning and boldly stating her qualifications for a competitive position. I found strength in hearing a girlfriend say she cut a guy off because he’s been saying the same thing without a change of behavior for 2 years. I found strength in seeing a friend leave a secure job where she could no longer grow to pursue he dream full time. I found strength in a friend who says “it’s hard, but I want to commit to this workout for me to get a hold on my health.”
Some people say, “you’ll see it when you believe it.” I say, “believe it only after you’ve seen it consistenly.” Sometimes we do not know the truth of what we really believe until we take inventory of the results that our life is currently yielding. Results don’t lie. Old beliefs are challenged and dismantled only through consistent action toward the new belief we want to operate from. We must be willing to give our energy exclusively to the people, places, and purposes that truly matter that will influence our growth and help us win our race rather than perpetuate our old habits that makes us falter at the site of every petty obstacle.
From the man in your dm and text consistently telling you how much he “misses you” without any actionable follow through, to the job that won’t pay you what your worth, or the family member or friend who consistently refuses to respect your boundaries, they are all operating in the Law of Conservation of Energy giving their best to who and what they deem truly valuable. I suggest you do the same because your energy is of great value and the strength required to sustain a marathon, will take all that you've got.
The month of August theme is Your Energy Proceeds You. Even though I usually don’t know what I’ll write about until the idea overwhelms me, this topic is important to me because I know that I have given my energy away to people, places, and purpose that could not or had no intention to restore me. My hope is that you will learn from my mistakes.
Like I always say, I am doing this work along side of you and my writing serves as only a reflection and personal narrative that I hope you find useful in your own experience.
“The life you want is on the other side of the awareness you accept & the decision you make as a result.”
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Peace. Love. & Soul- Glow Grease.
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